Still Standing
"Give yourself time to be sad, frustrated and angry. Give yourself time to heal, accept and to grow. Time doesn't erase anything, but it can provide you with enough space to be able to breathe again. And then, one day, you wake up and your heart has a little bit of sunshine in it. And day by day, people offer you pieces of their hearts to help remake your own. Allow yourself to be where you are at, to feel what you are feeling, and to experience everything that means. And during this process, look and listen for that glimmer of hope. It is there, I promise. And it is waiting for you to see it. Because one of the most beautiful things about humans is their capacity to heal, grow and survive. Facing it. That is how you get through it".
October, 4th (2021) marked the 90th day of my adventure/experience: about 4 months ago, I flew and decided to walk to the unknown. 3 months to work on my thesis (not finish yet), 3 months to finally be with myself while I was sure I would need to go to Bali to re connect with myself because I needed it. I simply ended in West Africa, in a very peaceful environment that I hated at first and slowly learnt to appreciate and even love and living in a cosy house called "the tiny house". These past months have been tough and challenging : I have struggled in every aspects of my life: it has been full of fears, doubts, smile, laugh, holding my own hand, beautiful and unforgettable souls I got to meet. While, I thought that the only purpose of this trip was to study, one day I realized that I had to use this time to work even more on myself (remember, in one of my previous article in 2020, I was already working on self development with a coach) and to focus on my healing process. I decided to post of picture of myself or my surroundings every day so that I could remember. Also, one day in July I was sitting in front of the sea and realized this adventure had to be mine and only about myself. After 4 months, nearly 5 because I extended my stay twice, I am so proud of myself and my 90 pictures perfectly summed it up. I also know that I am capable within a few days to pack a suitcase, travel anywhere in the world and start everything from zero. I never knew I was still able to do so and be out of my comfort zone.
On another note, it's been years I have been struggling professionally too: not finding a job that could bring me stability, it's been years I have been struggling financially too and I hate depending on people; especially my dad even if he has been helping me a lot. I have been struggling a lot emotionally : this "re connecting to your inner self" is a deep and painful exercise; I am slowly climbing that mountain. This experience is meaningful and all I can say is that this country has brought me so many answers. No wonders why I still don't want to leave it and why I feel like I should be back here again the day I leave for good.
Some mornings, I am so down. Some mornings, I ask God why doesn't he make my life easier, why doesn't he make miracles happen in my life, why doesn't he make everything I ask for become true, why everything is not aligned yet...Some days, I want to give up on absolutely everything, including myself: some days, I wonder how I do it to wake up, take a shower, dress up, smile, continue my thesis, laugh and make people happy. I am guessing it's HOPE. Lately, lots of friends (mainly men), told me I was healing them from a lot of things: I was bringing light, clairvoyance to their lives and they were feeling much better after a few conversation with me. They had the feeling I was guiding them in the right direction and I was uplifting them. Guess what? I was mad: I wasn't understanding why it always had to be only one way. Finally, a couple of days ago, I accepted that I am the light (and I swear sometimes it makes me sad because I wish I had that too). I decided to accept the fact that, probably, this is my life's purpose : bring light to other people lives and heal them. I make them feel heard, feel loved, understood and I make them believe they can achieve anything they want to and if I can give a push, I do so. By them, I mean family members, friends that are like family, common friends, perfect strangers and any other person God has put on my path. I remember in the past I used to do it without realizing what it truly meant. Today, it has a new and powerful meaning to me : I am accepting this power God or the Universe gave to me: BE THE LIGHT IN OTHER PEOPLE LIVES : I am already the light in my parents' lives, in my two brothers and sister's lives. I am glad to have acknowledged that before turning soon 37 and I think it is this country (Benin) that has revealed it to me. Maybe I will never have a man in my life I will get to share every single night and morning with, maybe I will never have the luck to carry a baby, maybe I will never have a fixed-term position within the United Nations because of its tricky system based on networking and by writing this. Maybe, I will never have all the things I have dreamed of as a child and that seemed like a fairytale. Though, like I often tell myself I have had one thousand lives and I am living one thousand adventures and today "I AM THE LIGHT". My friend always talk about my genuineness, my family talks about me being a free spirit and forcing my luck in every situation and my coach talked about me being deep down a positive and happy person. My new goal is to work on letting go : letting go of people that hurt me, that don't love me properly, that don't properly take care of me, letting go of situations that are preventing me from moving forward, not forcing anything anymore. What has to be, will be and from now on I will look for my own light: I want to find that person, that place, that situation that will bring me as much light as I bring to others.
That's the Doudou, Daou, Dee, Didine, Pinky, Potch or any other nickname I have been given to : a powerful me more than ever confident. When people ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I want to to answer that within five years, I will see myself living halftime in a cozy small village house with a chimney between hills, mountains, sea, writing books for kids, writing about myself, life, people, love, sipping a glass of wine and from time to time exchanging with strangers. With or not a life partner, I promise to myself to be happy and live this life fully; the way I have always done and currently doing. I am proud I decided to walk to the unknown and I encourage any of you to do so one day. I love myself, I love every tiny part of my body and I am still standing, believing and hoping despite every obstacles.
