My Other Truth

I love these three pictures so I decided to post them all. They reflect everything I am going to write in this article and literally show you to not just look at a smiley face and make assumptions. While taking them, I was telling myself : “Girl, your path is tough, this life is awfully difficult and overwhelming : laugh at yourself and cheer yourself up as much as you can”. For the short story, the cocktail I am holding is a pure invention : back home, 2 restaurants accepted to make it for me each time I ask for it (Bla Bla bar and Loft)! It is not on the menu .

 

 

I always start my articles with some quotes, I love this one :

 

“We will lose the people that we love.

We will love the people who will never know the depths to which we would sacrifice it all for them. 

We will slay beasts for people who would not slay beasts for us. 

We will bring stars to hands that are full of darkness and light the fires of those who have become weary of glowing. 

We will lose battles we thought we would win and win battles we thought we would lose. 

We will gain strength in the most peculiar places. 

We will stay as different as we were made to be – even when it calls for us to walk alone for a while. 

Though, we will not grow tired of kindness. That’s what good hearts do.”

                        

I never really put a word onto my old demons. I have, sometimes, been describing them in past articles without going into details. I want to talk about it in this article because it is part of me. I used to fight them all the time until my former coach Alexandra explained to me I had to acknowledged them and in a certain way “learn to dance with them” until it would pass and I would feel better. There are three of them and to be honest I hate them so strongly because they cause so much discomfort within my heart, my body and I always feel like they take me back to my past. There are anxiety, insomnia and the feeling of not being enough.

 

I started anxiety crisis when I was a student in Brussels : my first crisis was before a law exam, I was in my flat and wasn’t understanding what was happening to me. I immediately called my mum who put a name to it and calmed me down. She suggested I should try some alternative medicine and I went to see a kinesiologist : I only did one session because I wasn’t convinced at all. Then, I did some hypnosis sessions : those were great even if emotionally it has awakened all kind of unknown memories that I was not aware of or unconsciously blocked them. Sometimes, I do some acupuncture too and that relaxes me so much that after a session I sleep right away like a baby. 

My insomnia came back and got really bad while leaving in East DRC : someone tried to walk in my flat twice at night while I was awake. From that day, I started having insomnia for one, then two years and would usually sleep 3 to 4 hours only. I couldn’t feel safe anywhere, still have that feeling from time to time (not even to places I was used to go). I usually need to lock myself/lock multiple doors to be able to sleep and usually if I am sleeping in a new place, I have tricks and can never fully have a good and restful night.

Insomnia is awful, especially when you work as it makes you irritated most of the time, your brain can’t shut down and for an overthinker like me it is just the worst! All this get very quickly overwhelming. My anxiety came back in December 2022 and in January 2023 where I was having multiple crisis per day (sometimes 3 to 4) at any moment. It doesn’t take an appointment : it just slaps you in the face and you have no control over it. It has stopped for the moment; though, my longtime friend “the feeling of not being enough” also decided to show up in a very strong way. All at the same time, total circus in my head. I drowned a couple of time in my life : hear me, I drown but always get back on my feet like a cat. I wish no one to go through those phases : when you drown, you constantly feel like you are alone, sometimes you scream for help and attention but it is like people around you do not hear you. It is just a perception and you start analyzing every single and tiny details of your life. All these things coupled together usually make me shut down completely from any activities/social group.

 

Let’s talk about the feeling of not being enough :

-       Not being enough to keep someone in my life

-       Not being enough to be fully loved by someone

-       Not being enough to have friends wanting to go on an adventure with me

-       Not being enough to sometimes remove the pain from my parents’ heart

-       Not being enough for building up something that remains

-       Not being enough for having the right judgement about people and letting them constantly hurt me

 

In the past, I had no idea how to deal with these emotions, I haven’t found yet a remedy for insomnia; for anxiety, this time, I decided to record a video of me each time I was going through a crisis and let it all out. Each time it gets heavy or I am drowning, especially lately, I have decided to do some selfcare : body and face scrubs, doing my hair and nails, go out, put make up on and dress sexy. Actually, the day I took the three pictures above I was going through those emotions and literally told myself “make fun of yourself and if you’re sad better be a sad sexy”. When it gets heavy, I sing my heart out (yes, I sing horribly badly) and dances until I get tired. You have no idea how moving your body can have a positive impact on your soul and make you feel good (thank you for teaching me that too Alexandra). In addition to these tips, which really helps me not to hit rock bottom is God and prayers (I know this doesn’t work for everybody). I pray and ask him to help me and show me some light/a positive sign, something that will give me hope, get back on my feet and climb back my hill. Thank God, it always ends up working for me.

The bottom line of all of this is that thinking everything will be fixed in your life and that you will have a quiet road is wrong because you are never done when it comes to yourself! You will always be growing and life will continue to be unpredictable. It is hard to fix yourself enough to where life will never affect you. The aim is to be able to experience all kinds of emotions and be able to be yourself through it all!

 

I hope you always choose you and what is best for you;

I hope you accept, honor, find meaning and peace and appreciate where you are when you are there;

I hope you have the courage to move forwards no matter the obstacles;

I hope you choose growth over pleasing over;

I hope you choose the present instead of the past;

I hope you look at yourself every day in the mirror and tell yourself you are worthy of everything you ever wanted;

I hope you realized you deserve to feel loved and chosen every day;