Your Heart is a StoryTeller

Your Heart is a StoryTeller

 

 

I want to dedicated this article to my wonderful friend Kelly, Tina, Mrs Samos and my Belzhe.

 

I recorded this message for myself tonight - 

I am beautiful, I am smart, I am super sexy, I am super lovable, I am worth it. I choose me every day, I would choose me over and over and over again. I  will never let myself down, I will never leave me behind, and I will never doubt of myself. I know exactly what I want : I know where I want to go, I know what I want in my personal life, I know what I want in my professional life; and at some point the right things/people will find me. I am very true to myself: in the past I was hesitating a lot and doubting about lots of things; but today more than ever, I know what I want, I know what I don’t want, I know what I make compromises for, what I don’t make compromises for,  I am aware of what is worth it and what is not. And me, I am worth it and I deserve to be chosen every single second, minute of every single day of my life.

 

I had a meltdown this evening as a lot of real life stuff are falling apart around me and directly affecting me. Like my coach said to me the other day “Daoule, when things happen to you, they always come in a big chunk”. Indeed a huge chunk has fallen on me and is impacting several aspects of my life : it’s been a couple of days I am completely losing it. Let’s say that I am having my period and the full moon in my sign “capricorn” happened to be just yesterday. 

So tonight, my emotions exploded and as I always do when things are not okay, I play my “girlplaylist” (I can share it if someone is interested), danced and told myself girl, time to go back on your feet again and fight back for yourself. I recorded the message above for myself because it is a good reminder that I am worth it. We often tend to forget how special and unique each one of us are. I also usually always start my articles with a quote; but this time it will be a “copy/paste” text that I am going to post here because it literally describes everything that is within my heart and my head at this exact time.

 

“ To you, if you’re so used to do things alone:

I hope you know it is not too late to let others in.

It’s not too late breath deep and trust: 

there is still a path that leads to meaningful companionship.

Give yourself permission to give this space.

Give yourself time to not have to figure this out in one day.

 

You have become so accustomed

To handling everything on your own,

And being extra strong because you had to be,

At times, it might make you feel weak

To really soften into the need for companionship.

 

There are a lot of unknows before you,

And this is also true: you were not meant to face them alone.

You were not meant to travel through this without support.

 

Yes, there are people you can’t rely on. There are people who will

Let you down, and cause you to wonder why you asked for help in

The first place. And there will also be people who defy those odds. 

There will also be people who do show up”. Family members, friends, strangers, people you are getting to know.

 

“Even here, you are worthy of this. You are worthy of the pursuit of

Healthy relationships.

 

Find peace in knowing that it’s okay if this takes time to cultivate.

Find grace in knowing that many others are seeking to cultivate connection too. And there is time for you to find one another.

 

So as you carry on with hope and patience, carry on knowing that connection is worth the pursuit. You have been so strong for so long but that doesn’t mean you have to carry on alone.

You are worthy of spaces where you feel free to breathe and just be.

 

You are worthy of healthy relationships as you prepare for the rest of the journey.”

 

Keep your heart open…

 

 

My heart is a storyteller of my 38 years of life : full of joy, happiness, dancing like it is the last time, genuinely laughing out loud and being happy, falling in love, seeing the world, listening to strangers’ adventures; but also death, sickness, disappointment, sadness, lots of tears and heartbreaks. Through all this, I will keep my good heart wide open and my empathy and keep doing good because this is the only way. I am in peace with myself. 

 

Today, I am saying thank you to you:

 

Thank you to my Warrior Kelly for your unconditional love : you are swimming through violent waves but you are not alone in this.

 

Thank you Tina for letting me in in your life : it is a precious gift that I do not take for granted.

 

Thank you Mrs Samos for checking on me. Your heart is pure gold and you are not alone. You are a fighter.

 

Thank you to my Belzhe for being crazy with me at any time of the day and night.

 My Other Truth

I love these three pictures so I decided to post them all. They reflect everything I am going to write in this article and literally show you to not just look at a smiley face and make assumptions. While taking them, I was telling myself : “Girl, your path is tough, this life is awfully difficult and overwhelming : laugh at yourself and cheer yourself up as much as you can”. For the short story, the cocktail I am holding is a pure invention : back home, 2 restaurants accepted to make it for me each time I ask for it (Bla Bla bar and Loft)! It is not on the menu .

 

 

I always start my articles with some quotes, I love this one :

 

“We will lose the people that we love.

We will love the people who will never know the depths to which we would sacrifice it all for them. 

We will slay beasts for people who would not slay beasts for us. 

We will bring stars to hands that are full of darkness and light the fires of those who have become weary of glowing. 

We will lose battles we thought we would win and win battles we thought we would lose. 

We will gain strength in the most peculiar places. 

We will stay as different as we were made to be – even when it calls for us to walk alone for a while. 

Though, we will not grow tired of kindness. That’s what good hearts do.”

                        

I never really put a word onto my old demons. I have, sometimes, been describing them in past articles without going into details. I want to talk about it in this article because it is part of me. I used to fight them all the time until my former coach Alexandra explained to me I had to acknowledged them and in a certain way “learn to dance with them” until it would pass and I would feel better. There are three of them and to be honest I hate them so strongly because they cause so much discomfort within my heart, my body and I always feel like they take me back to my past. There are anxiety, insomnia and the feeling of not being enough.

 

I started anxiety crisis when I was a student in Brussels : my first crisis was before a law exam, I was in my flat and wasn’t understanding what was happening to me. I immediately called my mum who put a name to it and calmed me down. She suggested I should try some alternative medicine and I went to see a kinesiologist : I only did one session because I wasn’t convinced at all. Then, I did some hypnosis sessions : those were great even if emotionally it has awakened all kind of unknown memories that I was not aware of or unconsciously blocked them. Sometimes, I do some acupuncture too and that relaxes me so much that after a session I sleep right away like a baby. 

My insomnia came back and got really bad while leaving in East DRC : someone tried to walk in my flat twice at night while I was awake. From that day, I started having insomnia for one, then two years and would usually sleep 3 to 4 hours only. I couldn’t feel safe anywhere, still have that feeling from time to time (not even to places I was used to go). I usually need to lock myself/lock multiple doors to be able to sleep and usually if I am sleeping in a new place, I have tricks and can never fully have a good and restful night.

Insomnia is awful, especially when you work as it makes you irritated most of the time, your brain can’t shut down and for an overthinker like me it is just the worst! All this get very quickly overwhelming. My anxiety came back in December 2022 and in January 2023 where I was having multiple crisis per day (sometimes 3 to 4) at any moment. It doesn’t take an appointment : it just slaps you in the face and you have no control over it. It has stopped for the moment; though, my longtime friend “the feeling of not being enough” also decided to show up in a very strong way. All at the same time, total circus in my head. I drowned a couple of time in my life : hear me, I drown but always get back on my feet like a cat. I wish no one to go through those phases : when you drown, you constantly feel like you are alone, sometimes you scream for help and attention but it is like people around you do not hear you. It is just a perception and you start analyzing every single and tiny details of your life. All these things coupled together usually make me shut down completely from any activities/social group.

 

Let’s talk about the feeling of not being enough :

-       Not being enough to keep someone in my life

-       Not being enough to be fully loved by someone

-       Not being enough to have friends wanting to go on an adventure with me

-       Not being enough to sometimes remove the pain from my parents’ heart

-       Not being enough for building up something that remains

-       Not being enough for having the right judgement about people and letting them constantly hurt me

 

In the past, I had no idea how to deal with these emotions, I haven’t found yet a remedy for insomnia; for anxiety, this time, I decided to record a video of me each time I was going through a crisis and let it all out. Each time it gets heavy or I am drowning, especially lately, I have decided to do some selfcare : body and face scrubs, doing my hair and nails, go out, put make up on and dress sexy. Actually, the day I took the three pictures above I was going through those emotions and literally told myself “make fun of yourself and if you’re sad better be a sad sexy”. When it gets heavy, I sing my heart out (yes, I sing horribly badly) and dances until I get tired. You have no idea how moving your body can have a positive impact on your soul and make you feel good (thank you for teaching me that too Alexandra). In addition to these tips, which really helps me not to hit rock bottom is God and prayers (I know this doesn’t work for everybody). I pray and ask him to help me and show me some light/a positive sign, something that will give me hope, get back on my feet and climb back my hill. Thank God, it always ends up working for me.

The bottom line of all of this is that thinking everything will be fixed in your life and that you will have a quiet road is wrong because you are never done when it comes to yourself! You will always be growing and life will continue to be unpredictable. It is hard to fix yourself enough to where life will never affect you. The aim is to be able to experience all kinds of emotions and be able to be yourself through it all!

 

I hope you always choose you and what is best for you;

I hope you accept, honor, find meaning and peace and appreciate where you are when you are there;

I hope you have the courage to move forwards no matter the obstacles;

I hope you choose growth over pleasing over;

I hope you choose the present instead of the past;

I hope you look at yourself every day in the mirror and tell yourself you are worthy of everything you ever wanted;

I hope you realized you deserve to feel loved and chosen every day;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 20^th, 2022

 

Mellifluous – Serendipity – Elysian - Felicity

 

One of my good friend, someone that I consider like a big brother challenged me to write an article only about positive things that happened, happens in my life/or things that I have. This is the perfect time for it as we are getting closer to the end of the year and that it is also at that time, each year, I do a recap of the positive and negative points.

 

While writing this article, I am listening to the song of Dobie Gray – Drift Away  and I would like to quote, as I always do, “Amanda Seales’s message on the passing of a famous celebrity very recently. What she said resonates in me so much because I went, not myself, through a similar situation just 2 months ago. Here is her message : “This life thing is hard : it don’t matter how much money you have, it don’t matter how much fame you have, it don’t even sometimes matter how much support you have. There are things that are happening within that sometimes nothing outside of you can handle. And it is so hard in the sense that no matter what you have , what we have as humans is uncertainty about what this life is going to bring us and about where we’re going to go with it. So that’s why it is so important to put so much work into finding solidity in your purpose and finding freedom in the unknowing and for some folks that’s in religion, that’s in spiritual practice, that’s in their work, you name it. But check on your friends! And check on yourself! And understand that this ride is rocky for so many of us and you are not alone”. 

 

I would like to dedicate this article to so many people that I have in my life and that bring positiveness and sunshine in my every day journey..

 

This year has been emotionally heavy in many ways, sad ones, happy ones. 

 

I lost my uncle, my ever first pillar, my guide on 16^th January : I am still processing his death, I still talk to him at nights and I still cry him. Each time I go to his house he is just everywhere but it is comforting to know that indeed he is all around, follows me all the time, protects me and continues guiding me.

 

Two weeks after his death, I lost my Vivian : Vivian Chatman-Royce was 70 ish, but she looked 60 : she has been one of the most positive person I have ever met in my life. I met her during a shiny afternoon in Lisbon and she took me to the beautiful city of Sintra to have lunch at the manor of her cousin. It was such a beautiful afternoon : the flower were beautiful, the air was transparent, everything was so light, we clicked right away and I knew I had won a mom in Portugal (for the record, I have mums in different countries, special women of a certain age I have a bond with). From that day, even when living in different continents, I never got separated from Vivian : we had endless phone conversations, plenty of text messages exchanges and sending so many photos to each other. Vivian was always pushing me to not give up, to always push me to believe that it is going to happen even if I don’t know what and that it will be so beautiful. Her son Armani, an amazing Dj called “Boddhi Satva” is also a very good friend : Armani was actually comforting me when she passed away because I couldn’t stop crying for weeks. I am grateful and lucky to have you in my life and I know your mother is also protecting and guiding you and she is so proud of you every day. 

 

Two months ago, I lost the person I am crying almost every day since then: Bri  is gone(Brian Mullally). We have been friends for the last 20 years. It is hard to live without him : it is hard to not be able to cheer him up, it is hard to not help him get better anymore, it is hard to not talk to him during entire days, weeks until he will get better. On the last messages we exchanged he said “ you have constantly been there for me, I love you and I will forever treasure this friendship”. One of Brian wishes was to become a dad before he turned 40 and he became the father of a beautiful princess: I promised you I would always be there for her and I will do my best to never break that promise. He used to say he would die alone and I used to tell him, I am there and you will never die alone. I want to apologize to you because I have failed that only time and you were alone. I really hope you are in a better place and in peace. Your legacy lives through your beautiful princess.

 

I am again grateful for Alexandra Marchand-Ascarez, my coach, that has helped me so much in 2020 and 2021 to become who I am today. Do the work on yourself : healing is a constant process and build that version of what you want to be and who you want to be. Find yourself again, it is so important: if you have the right tools, it will just work out fine and what you will start feeling inside yourself is indescribable.

 

On my vision board of last year, I had wished to find a job I would love but most importantly something that will have a positive impact on people’s lives. This year, out of nowhere, this job came from a company called “Committed to Good”. This name resonated : it was a sign and at almost 38 years old and for the second time of my life I have found a job I love and a company with good values. Every day, when I go to bed, I know I have had a positive impact onto someone’s life and this is the most gratifying gift life could give to me. On a personal perspective, giving a bit of myself to strangers is what genuinely makes me happy. I am grateful for the majority of my consultants that constantly drop a message to check on me, see if I am okay, or just to say hello, for all the thank you for what you are doing, thank you for your commitment, you are a rock star, thank you for being there and for the ones praying for me.

 

I had also visioned myself going to the stage of Salford University and go collect this degree I had worked so hard for. Only time of my life, I paid for my studies. I was hesitating a lot to go by myself, I was sad to be alone because I had the feeling I wasn’t being supported by my family and my friends during this important phase of my life. After talking to someone I got to realize that, once again, this was just about me : “Daoulé with Daoulé”. When I decided to take that road I was alone, I had to finish this alone and hold my own hand and be so crazy proud of myself. I owed it all to myself. I went to Salford on 1^st December, I went to that stage, I cried and I will forever remember this moment. Daoule, I am so proud of the woman you are. 

 

I have learned the word “boundaries” and I am working on it : this is going to be my main goal in 2023. This word is positive in such many ways : protecting yourself, protecting your light, letting only the positive and genuine people get into your life, the ones that will bring the best out of you and the ones you can give yourself to 100%. 

 

I am grateful for the tiny circle I have around me, for all the laughs I have shared this year, the beautiful stories I have listened to, for the few rare and genuine people God has put on my path and I am beyond grateful to have met someone that words are not enough to describe how incredible that person is. I am so lucky to have all of that in my life on top of having both my mum and my dad alive and next to me.

 

 I will finish this article on those few lines :

-       I have learned that there is no one that can fill the void inside of you except for yourself.

-       I have learned that people are breathtakingly beautiful and dreadfully disappointing all at the same time. 

-       I have learned that your dreams and aspirations often require deep healing and raw honesty.

-       I have learned to be more patient with people and myself.

-       I have learned that you must make a home in yourself. Trust your gut. You must follow every crazy path that comes your way with hopes that maybe it will work out this time.

-       Most importantly, I have learned to just keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving, to keep giving, to keep hoping.

-       I have learned that this life may not always follow your plan, but nonetheless, everything is divinely placed.

-       At the end of the day, the most person important in your life is you. Check on yourself.

 

See you all in 2023.

Trust yourself

Jay Shetty said : « how do you feel about yourself is the most important question that we get to answer as humans. The most successful people in the world, do not let society define their worth. They do not wear something because they think society will respect it. They don’t live somewhere because they think society will think something of it. They live & breath & act in a way that they respect themselves”.

 

When I look at her and look at this picture I see a woman that is tired, that has a lot of scars; though, she is confident, she is proud of herself and acknowledge her own truth (not always easy). She finally found a job she loves, where she can be herself and bring some hope to people’s lives. This job, that came from nowhere, is a kind of revenge on life : after constantly hearing I had a very good cv but at the same time, being turned down by so many institutions, organizations’…I get today to sit on the chair of the person helping others to get a job and have access to all those people that were scrutinizing my cv and rejecting it. I take it as a blessing, work hard as always and try to do my best until one day I will start another new chapter. This life has way more in store for me. 

On my last year’s vision board, one of my wishes was to do something that would positively impact people’s lives. It is happening, on a daily basis and that is the best gift I could give to complete strangers.

 

We are constantly healing: every day is a new journey with its highs and downs. This year is passing by so fast : it has been emotionally exhausting.

There have been some fears and still are : waiting for the results of my thesis at the beginning of the year, doing my last medical check in a few weeks and hopefully being able to say goodbye for good to the door “36”.

 

There have been losses : I lost my second pillar “my uncle”. Within two years I lost my 2 pillars that were balancing my life. I still cry them a lot and constantly think of them. I know they are always with me. 

 

Pain and heartbreaks from people you trusted and you loved. Though, there has also been new meaningful friends, more laughter, more smile, more dancing, more trust in the universe, in the moons, in my powerful God, more trust that miracles are on their ways. Me, getting my Master and soon attending my graduation. Another reason to be proud of myself and to celebrate myself.

 

This woman never ever gives up: she has a huge and generous heart, she is an oversensitive, an overthinker, an overlover and she will never change because that is all that make her so special.

 

She looked at this picture and realized that finally she is ready to turn the 37 year's page and fully live her 38^th year. She was not ready for the past 6 years and she is so looking forward to all the new experiences that are on their ways.

 

I will finish this article on these lines of gratitude:

 

To heartbreak,

Thank you for breaking me wide open, again and again

And giving birth to a new me that keeps believing and dreaming.

 

To dissatisfaction,

Thank you for helping me to unlock my greatness

And see the potential that lies within me.

 

To failure

Thank you for alerting me to what isn’t working

And allowing me to fall and stand up again again, 

And to gain greater experience, understanding and clarity.

 

To loneliness

Thank you for teaching me to comfort myself and better appreciate my own company.

 

To betrayal

Thank you for alerting me to those 

Who aren’t operating from a place of truth and authenticity.

 

To rejection

Thank you for redirecting me

And for teaching me to love myself enough to 

Let go of those who are no longer aligned with me.

 

To abandonment

Thank you for teaching me to show up for myself fully

When others fail to show up for me.

 

To pain

Thank you for giving me space

To feel my feelings non-judgmentally

And heal and mend from what has hurt me.

 

To Love

Thank you for showing me that there are still some genuine people whose love is pure and uninterested.

Thank you for showing me that a few do care and will not let me down.

 

And to myself

Thank you for being strong enough to honour these experiences

And allow them to empower you

To heal, grow, evolve, transform

And become all that you are capable of being.

Slowly but surely climbing the mountain.